Closing a Chapter

For those of you who don't know me, I love reading!  (Surprise?)Writers, before they freshly write a new chapter, they must close one, Usually, they close one with a big event, twist, cliff-hanger..

Many times, I was eager to start a new chapter with much anticipation. Sometimes, unsatisfied, I would hurriedly move on to the next chapter.  Sometimes, I would close a chapter with a lot of questions and criticism thinking the writer could've done better by ending it this way or that way. And a very few times, unhappy with how the chapter ended and unhappy knowing how the the writer was headed towards, I angrily shut the book.

For example, let's go back to one of my favorite books, Little Women by Lousia May Alcott. In the book, there's a long chapter dedicated to Beth and her forcoming death. Every word, sentence, paragraph symbolized her death. Did I want to move on? Noooo. Growing up I wanted to be Jo, the brave one. The different one. But I related myself to Beth March. The sick March girl who quietly battled her sickness. I knew Alcott would kill her but I fear if I actually saw the words Beth and death in the same page, a part of me would lose hope in myself. (I too, like Beth was quietly battling sickness. Although I was quite selfish whereas Beth was always a selfless angel). Therefore, I did NOT want to start the next chapter. Alcott never used the word "death" in the chapter I knew in the next ones, she would. I put the book down and did not pick it up for a long time.

Beth's death was indeed heartbreaking. But because of her death, her scattered family were able to reunite. For selfish and materialistic Amy, Beth's death made her experience a change of heart. For Meg, the oldest, it reminded her that not only was she a wife to John, she still held responsibilities as the oldest March. And for Jo, Beth's death left Jo miserably yearning for the past. Because of Jo's obsession with wanting to live the past, she started living the past through writing and it eventually led Jo being able to publish the story of the March girls. In the end, a happy ending. Alcott also published Jo's Boys and Little Men which are equally good as Little Women for those of you who didn't know.

Getting back to the point,  I've always segmented my life into chapters as well. For the past few weeks, as I've slowly been accepting the fact that we are moving out of Utah, I've started to break up bits and pieces of my life and weave them into important "chapters" of my life. Some unhappy, some too good to be true. Nevertheless, all were necessary. It's always difficult closing a chapter and moving on to the next one. You think you've fought your way through and when you are about to see a glimpse of a happy ending, the next chapter brings you even more trouble/trials. 

I have about two months to close this chapter of my life (chapter name yet to be determined). Like always, when about to close, you feel as if nothing better will be out there. That's how I felt when I moved out of Logan, only to find Korea even more exciting. I dreaded leaving Middle School, scared no one would accept the weird Korean-American girl with glasses and braces, only to find better ones in High School. High School graduation, I was in tears throughout the entire event, afraid I would never have a chance to confess my love for a fellow classmate and scared I would never have friends like the ones I met in High School. For awhile I prayed every day High School could be one or two more years.. Silly, right? I didn't not want to leave High School.  And yes, yet again, I met even more amazing people at BYU.  

My chapter at BYU/Provo/Utah has been quite an adventure. Meeting friends that share similar values was a blessing. Finding an entire LDS ward filled with Asian-Americans like me, I have never felt so accepted. Yes, I am scared to close this chapter of my life. When leafing through this chapter, so much has happened yet again, so much more could've have happened and I desperately want to relive the past just to make sure I can move on without any regrets. Life as you know will not permit it. Therefore, I decided I would give myself a good month or two to slowly wind down and close.

Beth's Death = David and Diana's departure will be so difficult. But in the end, it will have become a neccessity for a better future for the both of us. I know it will. 

Folks, for the next two-ish months my post will be a bit gloomy. Please be patient with me as I take my time closing an important chapter of my life. Thanks! 

*Slowly closing this chapter by saying goodbyes to a few friends I have met during my Provo chapter.

Saying good bye to Jonny. Have fun in Asia!

Saying good bye to Justin and Hazel

Anxious

Summer of 2013 will be a huge transition for us. We are leaving (tearfully) Utah. The Beehive State. Saying adios to the Rockies and to the LDS community. Bye bye to Cache Valley, Aggie icecream, annoying BYU freshman. No more making mean faces at the dumb U kids. I don't know how David feels but for me, just thinking about departing this state makes me teary. I used to "joke" about wanting to flee Utah the minute I graduated from BYU. But, this is my home state. I spent a good twenty-ish years in this State. Most of my friends, my family resides in the Beehive. I am saying goodbye to the place I spent as a child and as a college student. I used to be so anxious to leave this bloody cold weather, the elevation, the "white" state. Now, I'm not so sure. After I see my friends and my sister, I think about leaving and honestly, it kind of seems like I'm facing a death sentence. When I get really anxious/sad/creative, I imagine a few scenarios:

1.Texas:  Locked up in our apartment with a broom in my hand, furiously swatting at all the bugs and mice.In my other hand, a Spanish dictionary. My hair never makes peace with the humidity so it will forever be a knot.I will have many Asian friends but unable to communicate with them as they will be jiberring away in Espanol. I imagine a very irritated sister that will soon refuse my calls (she speaks Spanish). I also imagine a lot of guns and Baptists church in the background. Did I mention beans and burritos? 

2. Wisconsin: I will be buried in the snow and ice. I religiously carry a book that educates me on how to speak better Ebonics. I imagine myself also religiously calling Ms.Davis every single day begging her to come back home. If we move to Wisconsin,Rebecca better move back to Wisconsin. I do not see any Asians and for the first time in my life, I will be one of those extinct races. If I get lucky, I befriend some Hmong people. Any Asian race is better than none. Somewhere in the background I imagine bellbottoms, Ashton Kutcher, cheese, and frick ton of snow. Oh, and a good LDS community as well. Did I mention snow again?

3.. Ohio: Umm.. I only learned about Ohio in Grey's Anatomy. I hear it's bone-chilling cold in the winter. And, it's very diverse. Very expensive. Ignorance, I know, but until I looked it up I actually thought Ohio was in the middle of nowhere. Why did I think of Lake Loise, I do not know. 

4. Pittsburgh: Call me ignorant but all I imagine is the Dark Knight Rises (Joseph Gordon Leavitt, mm~), Hines Ward, and Emily Han being in the picture. Oh, and once again, the Ebonics dictionary. In the background somewhere, I imagine being terrified of the diversity going on. "Yo, where are my Asian homies?" And did I mention Emily Han again? She lives somewhere in Philly, right? Can't be too far away. I also think about the football stadium and once again, Joseph Gordon Leavitt. 

Pittsburgh- At least I will dream of Joe oppa everyday.

Folks, why is there so much to factor in when making a decision? Can't my husband just hurry and make up his mind? And why can't the rest of the darn Med Schools make up their freaking minds as well? I want to know my future.

Medical School determines absolutely EVERYTHING in the Eng house right now, everything!!!
: Korea, Florida,money, my job, my future wardrobe- can I throw away my winter clothes? Food- do I need to start training myself to like beans or not? Will I get to finally meet Joseph Gordon Leavitt and confess my undying love for him? Do we need to start eating like college students again-Ramen and Mac& Cheese or can we actually spent more and eat healthier? When can I start imagining what my future will look like in the next few months?   argargarg. Everyday is a battle for me. Must stop giving the Rockies my love, must emotionally distance myself away from Utah. Must stop crying every other day thinking about it. Understanding Heavenly Father's will is the most complicating thing. Father in Heaven, what is thy will? Yay or nay to beans or burritos? Prayers will be much much appreciated. Yes, I am worried to death. What is my husband doing while I furiously type away my concerns? I'll give you three guesses.

Youngest sister, Em

David and I are leaving the Beehive State. It's slowly starting to hit me now and I everything but happy. It sounds silly because I have complained about being a Utahn and how it is the loser state of all fifty.
I made sure I voiced my (honest) opinions about Utah. Or have I? Now that I think about leaving this place, my emotions take over.. After all those years (almost eighteen) I am in love with Utah and this 이별 will be difficult. What I am most upset about is having to part with my friends (physically). The friends I met at BYU has by far been the most amazing, influential friends.Asian, same Gospel and similar values.. Will I ever find friends like the ones I have?  I am not not not ready to leave them. So, please understand if some of the following posts are too emotional, too personal and what not. It's my way of recording the memories I have made in Utah with my precious friends. And, it's the only chance I get to publicly embarrass them. Starting with the youngest one of all, Emily Han.

Conference. Good old Stonebridge. Work-Security Metrics. Yamato- first time seeing her after I got married.

I have two younger sisters-Grace, and Emily. Emily, not by blood or by law but with time has become my baby sister. April 17th is her birthday. She turns sixteen, eighteen twenty two (WHAT?). Davie and I drove down to grab dinner with her and celebrate.

Emily and I met in 2007. She just barely turned sixteen and I was a big hot shot college student. To be honest, she was just a "younger" acquaintance. Her being five years younger than me was a big reason for not want to pursue a friendship. (In Korea, "friends" are only "friends" if you are the same age. They make fun of you if you hang out with younger people and I still was very Korean-minded). To me, Emily was just a dongseng. From 07-09, she would fly out to Utah or Korea and we would meet up a few times year. She was STILL in High School. What a baby! But then, she was accepted to BYU (no surprise there!) and we became bffs. She was closer to my sister, Grace. But since I had no friends, I wiggled my way in. My sister and I lived in SLC at that time and drove to Provo every single day. Oh those days when we would sleep over in Emily's dorm or drag her to SLC (2-3 times a week).  Maybe it was because all the time we spent together or maybe because our parents knew each other or maybe the we're all Korean-American, or, we love boys, makeup and stuffing ourselves with junk food part. Regardless, we easily clicked. 

Emily and I became really close when my siser Grace left to serve a mission. Before then, the longest my sis and I were apart was four months (my first semester at BYU). So, I was really lonely and scared. Emily being at BYU and always being by my side was what helped me survive the first year. Even though I was older, she was my go-to person when I needed help, advice, company. Six months after my sister left, I moved in with Emily. And from then till I graduated, we were roommates.

After all those years together, we consider each other "sisters." You can catch us being mean but we do it out of love (at least I do). She's the one that sacrificed herself and accompanied my mom when I received surgery. The one that felt my fear before. She walked and cried with me on the way to the OR. I remember angrily crying for my sister Grace when waking up. Instead of Grace, my other sister Emily walked over and held my hand while I woke up after surgery.Though struggling in much pain, sad I was, to make her cry over me.[FYI, if you're thinking 'Grace is an awful sister' for bailing out on my surgery, she had just been released from her Mission and was in Korea at that time].

We saw a little too much of each other- roommates, coworkers, same ward. We found other friends and did other things. But, that never stopped the late night snacks, late night talks,gossip- the bonding moments. Eventually, both of us could easily tell when the other had concerns. We couldn't fix the problems but that didn't stop us from lending an ear or a shoulder-support. 

One of the last memories I have of Emily of being a huge support was the second time David and I broke up. Things did not end that well and boy was I angry (that's a story I will save for later). I ran into her room and cried for hours. She held her arms wide open and let me cry out all those angry tears without saying a word. Then we talked. She persuaded me to get over my pride and make up. Thanks to her, I was able to swallow my pride and (obviously) work things out with David.

My dear Emily, sorry to embarrass you so much. You're probably saying "Unni!! You're so blank blank." But I want to let you know I am so grateful to have a friend, sister like you. You brighten up the world with your hearty laugh and that big smile of yours. I will miss us. Getting ready for the day and then for the night with you was always an adventure. When I am at the new place and feeling alone, I will desperately take myself back to the days we had at Stonebridge. Remember those nights we would walk into each others' rooms, plop down on the bed and ask "what is it? Tell me." Then one of us spilled the beans? You would always ask me "unni, how did you know?" and laugh. All those times we went through the heartaches over boys, frustration over school? The daily Smiths runs and the fastfood runs? The times we would start our diet only to end the day by stuffing ourselves with junkfood at the end of the night? I made a promise. When you find your significant other (MEN, she is such a catch. Hurry before you miss out. Be a MAN!) no matter where it is, I will fly out and be apart of your happy day. Even though we will be apart, I will still always be there for you as your unni. To me, you're always the baby sister. I love you so much my little piggy. 

Am I the only one crying now? My sweet little ddongbo! Saragheg dwedgiya!

Us at Haze's Wedding.

4/12/2013. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PIGGY!

Emily and I at my wedding. When David and I got engaged, she asked me  if I was one of her bridesmaid.
So cute my little dwedgi. Thanks for being there on my happiest day. You made it even better.

Men and their video games.

I have two brothers. One of them, has serious history with Diablo and Star Craft since the second grade. I vividly remember my  little baby brother desperately calling out for help. He would order me to type in "show me the money," "black sheep wall." He was tiny and didn't know how to type yet.

But living up to his Korean heritage, he was darn good at our national sport. Star Craft. I work with a bunch of computer nerds that talk about video games. Although I've tried numerous times to join their conversation, I'm lost within seconds. I've tried, you see. But, still unable  to wrap my brain around men and their affair with video games. 

David is a guy. He too, just like any other guy, loves to play video games. He's actually really not that bad. He always seeks for my approval before hopping on his PS3. Although I admire him for respecting me, I still can't understand why men find video games so amusing. 

Tonight David and his friend Jarom were busy talking and shooting at each other on line. Interesting to "witness" their virtual battle. I guess that's how guys connect- via killing each other. They interact in really weird ways but it seems as if they are having the time of their lives. Hubby seemed really happy. Seeing his "manly happiness" I decided to be more open-minded. Only slightly.

I guess if hubby has to put up with my weekly fling with Rebecca and our shopping, gossiping and eating, I'll have to accept his.He seeks approval when he wants his fling with PS3. I promptly inform him of mine. We have a pretty balanced relationship (heehee) and I'm learning to balance it out even more by learning to share dear hubs with PS3, my nemesis.

BUT, how do you respond when hubby announces that he would like a career change. Instead of Med School, he now aspires to become a pro-gamer. Hmmm..

Husband & Wife

David and I are proud members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS).  More commonly known as Mormons. If you would like to learn more about our church visit this website.

Twice a year, we are blessed to have "General Conference." This is when all Prophet of our church and all of Christ's Apostles spiritually feed us and inspire members to become better and to remind us the purpose of life. This conference, like any other, was absolutely amazing. It amazes me how our Heavenly Father knows what His children need. All of the talks were much needed. However, David and I were especially grateful for L.Whitney Clayton's talk about "marriage." 

"Marriage is more cooperation than negotiation." Oops. I guess this means I need to stop with the

"if you vacumm, I'll do the dishes." Or, "if you love me, you would let me do this.." I believe some people (including my husband) call this manipulative or playing with ones emotions.  Oh man. I guess I really needed this talk and take it by heart.

Also, I found this wandering around Facebook and thought I would share some useful marriage tips. (I'm actually posting this on my blog so I can remind myself each day to become a better wife). 

60 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE ROCK! 

1. PRAY TOGETHER ALWAYS 

2. READ THE SCRIPTURES TOGETHER ALWAYS 

3. Go on regular date nights

4. Hide notes in secret places

5. Go to bed at the same time

6. Listen to music together-share ear-buds

7. Buy him gifts he will love

8. Revitalize the romance with intimate dates

9. Wear shirts that tell the world you love your spouse

10. Praise your spouse to other people

11. Read a marriage devotional

12. Sleep in his t-shirts

13. Renew your vows privately with whispers and memories

14. Renew them publicly with cake and bubbly

15. Go away together at least once a year

For Women Only

16. Hang pictures of the two of you around your house

17. Make his favorite dessert

18. Make sex a priority

19. Spend time apart occasionally

20. Learn to enjoy something he loves

21. Surprise each other

22. Meet him at the door

23. Text each other from across the room

24. Set reminders on your phone to remember him/her throughout the week

25. Call him right now and tell him you appreciate him

For Men Only

26. Leave work on time and come home early

27. Engage every day in meaningful conversation

28. Compliment each other

29. Take one day a month to make your spouse your total focus

30. Argue fair: avoid these words “you always” and “you never”

31. Kiss every day

32. Find tangible ways to serve your mate without complaining

33. Forgive quickly

34. Be honest.

35. Get on the same page: plan your budget together

36. Look your best as often as you can

37. Guard your marriage

38. Laugh together

39. When you are together-BE TOGETHER (take a break from phones, technology, etc)

40. Tell her she’s pretty, especially when she’s not feeling it

Both

41. Make each other breakfast in bed

42. Do her chores for her

44. Get a couple’s massage or host your own privately

44. Dance together-soft music (both of you alone) or rocking music with the kids

45. Exercise together- hikes, bike riding, etc

46. Choose not to be annoyed by an irritating behavior/disappointment from your spouse

47. Thank your spouse often even for the least reason or gesture

48. Lay in bed together and stare into each other eyes, without talking

49. Learn something new together-take an art class, cooking lessons, etc

50. Leave a sweet comment on the Facebook wall

51. Support each other’s goals

52. Bring her flowers/gifts (even when she says they are too expensive)

53. Wear something your spouse loves

54. Share furniture-sit in his lap

55. Fight for your marriage

56. Make a point to eat dinner together most days of the week.

57. Never let your spouse feel like they come second place to your career or any other thing.

58. Talk about your dreams and aspirations. Be supportive of each other and dream big together!

59. Maintain a united front as your motto: Meaning- “Me and you against the world.

60. Speak well of your spouse.

Remember your Spouse Rocks- Even when they don’t at the moment!

David and I are two very different people- he is from a Chinese-American family, I'm from a Korean-Korean, very traditional Korean family. He is a Science nerd, I am a bookworm. He's logical, I'm super emotional. He's patient, I am NOT! He is the youngest of five, I'm the oldest of four. He's quiet, I'm loud and obnoxious. He reads instructions, I immediately discard them (or does that makes us a good match? We do complement each other in some ways I guess). He's a boy, I am a girl. That should pretty much sum it up. He is from Mars and I am from Venus!! Even our love languages are different too.

At the end of each day, I almost always want to kick myself for being selfish. Marriage does require a lot of sacrifice and a lot of work from both sides. But, as long as both sides are  truly committed and willing to work it out, I believe marriage is the best decision a couple can make. 

We made chicken kebab last night for tonight's dinner! I love it when we both prepare and cook together. I realize it will soon become a luxury once David starts Medical School. Sigh :(

Dinner was amazing! But after, we both decided it was "too healthy!" Therefore, for FHE, we made crepes. Mmmm.. Nutella, Biscoff, powdered sugar and fruit! Sugar, why are you so darn good?

I hate you Smiths!

You know what I hate the most in retail?  When workers\employees don't know what the heck is going on in their their stores. Many of you have heard of the Fresh Values Card that Smiths\Kroger grocery store heavily promotes. For every dollar you spend, you receive a point and when it adds up, you use those hard earned points to save gas money if you go to a Shell gas station. Because of this awesome offer, David and I diligently shop at Smiths, only Smiths. Sometimes, I even go out of my way so I can rack up those points.When you purchase a gift card, they sometimes give you 4x the points! And don't forget, if you bring your own bag, 5 bonus points are added to your card! Awesome, right? I actually have been saving some gas money. I ask my friends to use my phone number when they check out so I can reap those points.

BUT!!! Smiths came out with a new point system that started on April 1st. It's weird and dumb but I could care less. All I know is they are still using the point system for gas. Last week, way before April 1st, I asked five different workers (becoming like my hubby) to make sure my points would NOT disappear and four out of five of them confirmed I would have till the end of April to use them. Usually, I go to Costco for gas (thanks to our friend Thomas who let David "pretend" to be his roommate, we got the card for free) and when my Smiths points rack up to 300-400 points, we excitedly drive to Shell.

BUT, on Monday, I pull up into Shell, punch in my phone number to redeem those points and what do you know. Z-E-R-O balance!!!!! Zero freaking points!!!! I might have said a bad word. I was NOT happy. Mean thoughts were tainting my innocent mind... But really Smiths? Couldn't you have trained your workers? Or informed your "valued customers" a little bit more in advance? I could have saved 40 cents a gallon.  You make me feel so special when I hand over my Fresh Values card and see all those discounts and the points that have been quietly stacking up. But  I hate you right now. My 412 points!! Maybe I'll support Maceys or Wincos instead of you. You've lost my support. Meanie. You were always my favorite grocery store since the old Logan days but I am so so so over you!!!!

I still have the receipt from March 30th with 412 points. Should I try talking to someone and to get those points back?  If not, I'd better be getting eight golden coupon books (if you have 50 points at the end of each quarter, they send out a coupon book) or else I am really over you!

Chingoos

For all of you that didn't know, David and I decided we will (most likely) move out of Utah. It was pretty difficult but we know it is for the best. Since we might have limited time in Utah, I begged my friends to come up and spend time with me! Thanks to good Friday (I thought we had this day off thinking it was actually an official "Trading Holiday!") I had a day off work. Begged Becca to skip class, drove down to P-town, grabbed dinner with the girls and had a lovely weekend. Might have done a little bit more retail therapy than planned. Oops~ Becca and I literally spent more than an hour at Sephora smelling perfume. We might have been a little drunk, smelling in all that alcohol. I love the hubs but retail therapy is best when done with girlfriends! Don't worry! Hubby had the time of his life with his dearest Ps3! Does anyone want it? We are selling it for $10.00!!

Mmm.. Salmon and 회덥밥!

My first time at Culvers! Thanks Mr.Liu!

Sunday night dinner and walk with my girls.

Sarangheh! ( Why do I always blink?? )

When I think of leaving Utah, my eyes start tearing up. I've never lived out of Utah (while living in the States). To be honest, I'm scared to live in a more diverse city. A city without a lot of LDS members. Scared to make new friends because I think the ones I have are the best I'll ever get. So, please understand me my chingoos if I beg you to spend time with me. 

Umm.. Why am I in the middle?
The Hobbit, in between her two beautiful friends after
 dinner at Ricke King!

P.S. For those of you watching Winter, the Wind Blows (K-drama), how can you stand it? Hubby is addicted to it but I am totally over K-dramas now! Wth? Song Hye Kyo is 31 and still looks like she's 20. So unfair. And, really? Can't stand how all those celebs are getting prettier with age. I, on the other hand, am becoming a rolly polly.