Wholehearted Belief

As you know, I was born with multiple heart problems. Countless times I've been told I'm a walking miracle. My knowledge about "the heart" is limited so I do not fully understand what exact problems I carry. (Obviously) I can't see, touch or hear my heart. However, my body (blue lips, blue nails, and scars from surgeries) proves that I do have a health condition, so I guess I do.

David brought home his medical instruments-including his stethoscope. I finally was able to listen to this troublemaker--my heart. My heart, without a doubt, was the biggest trial I have had to face and possibly will still have to face in the future. However, it is the biggest reason why I believe my Mormon faith in the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true.

Growing up, I was frustrated with God because He was the one  that gave me such a messed up heart. I was always out of breath, couldn't participate in any physical activities, and my heart problems and medication prevented me from growing as well. Some classmates called me the "walking dead" because I was always blue- lack of oxygen (no makeup or nail polish to cover it up in Korean schools). But, the biggest reason why I was angry, I thought I was a ticking time bomb. My cardiologists rarely gave us good news so I didn't have much belief in a future. I was angry and confused because I was told that God loved me. But if He truly did, why would He have given me such a curse?

During my teenage years, a few events happened that led me to believe otherwise. Interestingly enough, all happened because of my heart.. Specifically because it was tachycardic (irregular heart beats which also shot down my oxygen intake and made it difficult to breathe). What needs to happen is for the doctors to give me something called idenocine (which basically reboots your heart) with saline. It's tricky because it has to reach your heart in a few seconds.

When I was seventeen, I watched a girl my age lose her mom. Witnessing a death, especially since the girl that lost her mom was my age, I wanted to believe there was more than just life on earth. That was the first and only time I've ever seen someone actually die. It made my heart hurt to see a girl my age lose her mom. My heart hurt so much my tachycardia stopped. I was traumatized because the girl.. was my age. There had to be more. That's when I started studying about the Plan of Salvation.

Events in my life:

2005 January.  It is a very cold day. I almost collapse at church. My heart is beating rapidly. I can't breathe. My friends take me to my mom and we rush into the ER. The doctors keep giving me idenocine. 6 grams, 12 grams, 12 grams again but it just won't work. I start loosing consciousness. I see them rolling out the crash cart. Then, my sister jumps up. She sees missionaries and begs that they give me a blessing. One of them is sick so the other companion gives me a blessing while the doctors give me the medicine again. I don't have much faith and am preparing to die (yes, dramatic, I know). As he finished giving me the blessing, my heart reboots. We all look up at the monitor. It worked. The blessing worked. I now believe in the power of the Priesthood. The power of God. 

2006 January, Ohau, Hawaii. I'm finally about to start college at BYU-H. I choose BYUH over BYU because of its warm weather and it is at sea-level which both will benefit my heart. But, starting from day one, I have tachycardias almost every other hour. This has never happened to me before. Not even during my Logan days. How ironic? We all know Hawaii would suit me better than Utah ever would- elevation, weather, distance to Korea. Once again, I'm frustrated with God. I can't understand why He would do this. On the third night, I pray to Him. While I pray, I can feel His presence. I can also feel His answer. My parents and I (with  a confused heart) return back to Korea the following week. The next year, I start attending BYU Provo.

Over the course of five years, I understood why God led me to Provo: I met the bestest friends, and my husband. Most importantly, the cardiology department at the U fixed my heart. Well, the tachycardia part. Medically it didn't make sense that I live in Utah over Hawaii. But it was God's will and His will trumps all. I learned to believe in the power of prayer and the importance of following His will. Like we always say, His will is always the right one.

Hubby says it makes a funny whoosh-ing noise. 

2012 August, I am sealed to the love of my life in God's temple. That's when I realize God gave me this heart so I could return back to Him.  I have had many other experiences that helped me better understand His Gospel and strengthen my testimony. One thing for sure, they were always related to my heart. My abnormal heart. Without my messed-up heart, I wouldn't have had the trials that would've helped me understand His love, Gospel, and His plan for me. What I thought were trials were actually blessings. He loves me so much He had to give me this heart. Temporarily, it doesn't make sense. But God looks at things from an eternal perspective

On that day, I also realize He has given me a reason to live a worthy life. So I can not only return back to Him but to those I love. I am so grateful God gave me this heart. I know that God lives and that He loves me very much. I am grateful for the trials/blessings He has given me.

He and She

She says life would be a tangled mess without him. He says life wouldn't be as adventurous without her..

• She says, "I want to grow my own produce. Let's plant a garden." He consents only to find himself doing the researching, the purchasing while she is away in the makeup aisle. A few hours later, she is tired of having to dig and plant the tiny seeds. She gives up and goes in. He collects the remaining seeds, plants them, and goes back inside to cheer her up. Days later, she's forgotten about the seeds as they take weeks to show themselves. Weeks later, she sees green specks! She then announces gardening was the best idea and informs him they'll never have to buy produce again. She soon forgets and neglects. Months later, he quietly discards her dead garden before she'll notice. 

• She says, "I want to do all my baking. Let's go shopping." He consents only to find her dissolve in tears because none of the baking goodies made it through. She's exhausted so along she goes to rest. He patiently wipes, cleans, organizes, and then bakes a batch of baking goodies with the remaining ingredients.

• She says, "Let's decorate our house!" He consents and gives her his credit card only to find that the purchases she made didn't quite fit their needs. Wrong nails for the pictures, wrong size of battery for the clock, wrong size of candles for the candle holders. Frustrated, she gives up and reads. Hours later, she comes out to see that he has once again worked his magic.

She dreams schemes. She says her ideas come from inspiration, but truth be told, all she's been good at is starting the sparks that create wild fires. Good thing she found him. He's gifted when it comes to putting out her fires.

He

"What would your life be like without me?" she asks. 

"Boring. You make it adventurous. Exciting," says he. "How about you?" he asks.  

She thinks for a moment. Replies, "A huge mess. I'm glad we found each other," says she.

Resigning from the Kitchen.

 Dear husband,

Say goodbye to the food fiesta we've been having. To be honest, I'm a horrible cook. I literally cook up a "storm." And, I hate baking. That one tsp of baking soda doesn't look right. Surely, one tsp can't do much. Two or three tsps sounds better. Adding a stick of butter isn't healthy. I think half of it is just right. Not moist enough? Milk will do the trick. And what? two cups of sugar? I think I'll take one out since I don't want to be accountable if we get diabetes....  I don't know why my baking goodies don't turn out perfectly right. Oh, when it comes to baking, I have to stick to the recipe? But it's my job to always keep our health in mind. PSH.

 Thus, I have decided to inform you that I resign as being your wife in the kitchen. However, I will become your sugar momma from this following Monday. Say goodbye to the past few weeks and hello college food. YUM! Hey, at least we know we're only thirty minutes away from a good home-cooked meal, right? Thanks in advance Audrey :)
                                                                                                 
                                                                                                        XOXOs, your wife.