Heart of the Matter

I just got back from an appointment with my Cardiologist. Last one I will have in Utah (I assume).  Most of you know (the few people that read this Blog) but I was born with a very abnormal heart. I myself cannot comprehend the complexities when it comes to medicine. Thus, here goes my attempt to explain in normal people language: I have one ventricle, an extra muscle, don't receive enough oxygen, blue blood and red blood mix all the time, suffer from SVTs (irregular heart rhythm) and other stuff that I'm unsure how to spell.  It's super boring (for me) but super exciting yet concerning in the medical field because my anatomy is very very different even from people that do have similar heart-problems. Every single time I get back, I'm emotionally and physically drained. Sometimes I end up hating life and blame Heavenly Father for giving me such a weird heart.  I dread seeing this particular doc because she never fails to suffocate me with heartbreaking news: no to pregnancy and giving a normal birth; yes to early death; and no you cannot keep your heart but yes, please have a transplant; and all this crazy stuff I've only read or heard about but fail to apply into personal scenarios. 

But, this time it was different. Of course they put me through exams and tests that were way too long, awkward, and tiring. However, the minute I told my doctor we were moving to Texas, she squealed! I told her about the other options we had. But, she said we were wise choosing Texas. She wrote down a fellow cardiologist's name that specializes in adult congenital heart diseases. Unlike any other visit, she spoke as if she could see a future in me. Rather than "ifs" or "soons," she chose words that implied I would have a future. A relatively long one too.  I might have teared up when she said no to pregnancy- since I was young, I've always dreamed of a normal pregnancy and I am a girl. Therefore, can't help it when someone pushes my emotional buttons.

However, rather thinking of what I couldn't have or couldn't do, I quickly listed all the great things I have in life and congratulated myself for making it this far! According to science, I couldn't have passed the age of eight. Obviously, I'm a little bit older than eight so BIG accomplishment! I told David in the midst of deciding between Medical Schools that although I strongly wished to stay in Utah, when I closed my eyes and envisioned the next four years, it always took place in a flat, hot and humid place.

 The urge to move down South never went away. Could it possibly have been the Spirit? Both David and I were bittersweet about the decision we made. He did decline other prestigious medical schools. However, after today's visit, I dare say that Heavenly Father wanted a different path for us. Of course when it comes to medicine, I heavily rely on science and have great trust in it. BUT, from twenty-six years of personal experience, I know with all my heart (although it's a messed up one) I KNOW God trumps all. God has led me to amazing things I never imagined I could have. Therefore, I choose to believe and trust in God.  In God we, the Engs, trust.